


Under the covers, let us forget

by gaylock



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional, Eventual Smut, F/M, Forgetting together, Harry blames himself, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter Friendship, Humour, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Violence, Oblivious Ron, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Severus Snape, Post-Deathly Hallows AU, Post-War, Severus Snape Lives, Severus blames himself, They both try to forget, harry is exhausted, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 07:22:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8003614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylock/pseuds/gaylock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus is tired; he's spent most of his life surviving, never expecting to live past the last battle. Now that he has, he doesn't know how to make the transition from surviving to living. How was he to live, when he knew he was responsible for the deaths of so many others?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the covers, let us forget

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Snarry fic, although I have been an avid Snarry shipper since I was 12:) Basically just wanted to say sorry, because I don't have much experience writing Severus (he's a notoriously difficult character to write) so if he seems too OOC, just let me know:)

Harry stared at the gravestone, determined not to cry.

"There's not a single day that goes by, where I don't blame myself." He says quietly, turning slightly to acknowledge the man beside him. Shadows surround them and seem to intensify the silence until the other man speaks up.

"I feel that by living, I have cheated a hundred other souls from the same luxury."

Harry's hand shakes as he places it in empty comfort on his companion's arm. He squeezes slightly. "That isn't true. I regret others having to die, but I don't for a single second regret saving you." He turns and begins to walk away. He doesn't turn back, but pauses when he hears, "Potter. Thank you."

He answers by pulling out his wand and waving it in front of him. "Just remember that." He says in farewell before apparating away. The other man stands still in front of the grave, leaning down to trace the carved words.

 **HERE LIES REMUS J. LUPIN**  
**A FRIEND. A HUSBAND.**  
**A FATHER.  
** **WE LOVE YOU**

  
And what had he been, to him? A colleague? Reluctantly. A classmate? Defiantly. A friend? In hindsight, Severus could say that yes, Remus Lupin had been a friend. One of the few he'd ever had, one he hadn't known existed until it was too late.

Three months ago it had happened, and here he was. He came to this place every week, it seemed as if he couldn't stay away. The death that was buried here, the history that was hidden beneath this earth; it made him wonder how people could just bury someone, speak a few words over their grave and be done with it.

How could they just forget? How could they move on? He didn't know the answers. Didn't have a clue. And it seemed Potter didn't either.

It wasn't strange for Severus to see Harry at the graveyard. In fact, over the past three months, it had become a common occurrence. Sometimes he even wondered if Potter visited more often than he did himself. At first he had wondered why; it wasn't like it was Godric's Hollow or anything, the boy's parents weren't buried here. Harry wasn't getting good press from it either; Severus had watched the papers, and there were no stories about how the 'world's greatest hero was still heroically mourning the losses of his friends.'

And slowly Severus came to a realization. Harry came for the same reasons he himself came; to remind himself of the losses, to try to drown himself in his own guilt at having failed so many people. He came here to try to make peace with the fact that all these peoples deaths were on his hands.

And that was when he also realized how much worse it must be for Harry, to be the world's hero and still feel as of you haven't really saved anyone.

A ledger full of red.

At least Severus wasn't being the chosen one. Harry had won the war, but how many people had been sacrificed in his name? How many of his friends had died, thinking that he'd save them?

Too many, he thought, staring out at the hundreds of new gravestones scattered around him. Too many.

He himself finally turned away just as the last light was giving out, and sighed. Potter's words came back to him in a flood of sound, and echoed around his empty mind.

_I don't for a single second regret saving you._   
_Remember that._

It is then that he understands something he had never allowed himself to understand before; Harry was not James. Harry Potter was not the 'Chosen One', the 'Boy Wonder', the 'Boy Who Lived'. He wasn't even 'Lily's Son'. He was Harry. Just Harry.

 _But why, Potter? Why did you save me?_ Severus can almost hear the tired voice say, "Because it was the right thing to do." But Severus doesn't feel like that is the true answer. It's not about him being a bloody Gryffindor, saving everyone. It's about something else, something more.

It wasn't because he was the Chosen One, it wasn't because it was his duty; Severus is positive. But why he did it, he cannot fathom. It's not like he was worth saving, it's not like he'd ever treated Potter well. Of course, Potter did have a hero complex, but Severus hardly thought the boy would have wasted it on someone like _him_. Someone who was responsible for so many deaths - someone who was responsible for Albus's death. When Severus thought about the things he'd done, bile rose up and he felt nauseous; he could honestly say, had he been in Potter's place...

Severus sighed and closed his eyes, his expression pained.  _I would not have done the same,_ he thought tiredly to himself.  _I would not have been able to save someone like me._

And even though he knew it was foolish, even though he understood the futility of it all, Severus couldn't help the guilt that rose up. What did it say about him, that he wasn't even capable of saving himself?

What did it say about him, that he sometimes wished he  _had_  died, if only because it would be easier? How selfish could he be?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
